a day at a time

Shit! Why didn't he call.. or email.. or anything? Show some existence for God's sake! This is frustating.. Not being able to sit at the same wave length.. All my signals are clear.. and he just ignored them and take them all for granted. Probably it is his ways of doing things.. but I can not take this any longer. It's bull when I say there are no expectations but coming to a situation like this I get upset. So there exists expectations. Slight but significant. I know he's in his times of dazed and dissapointment.. but can he at least show some compassion? Who ever thought something so innocent can turn to agony. Does he sit there actually thinking it's ok to cut the strings like that? Does he really think that one day mean nothing? That it's just another innocent expression? I'm tired of playing along with his game. He comes and goes without notice.. but always leaving a deep trail of pain. And why am I this upset? Didn't I also realize at that time, that it was just a fling? Didn't I with all my consciousness believe that this would only last while we're around each other, and not when we're apart? I did.. and maybe I still do.. and I know he's not the one.. he isn't anything I expect for.. but why am I so upset? What am I expecting from him?

Sitting in the living room of Soroako residence, 1 o clock in the after noon, with the Matana lake view upon me, going through yesterday’s newspaper, my mind wonders of one person.. the only person who’s been in my mind since August, and more intensively since September.. after nights and nights of serenity and lust.. which turned to nights and nights of pain of the feeling of longing and hoping for something unlikely to occur. He was the one who opened my heart, made it blossom, then tore it apart. And after weeks apart,… just when the wound started to heal, there goes another occurrence, another innocent expression, another thump. There he goes again, painting silly pictures in my heart, tasting bits by bits of what remains.. of my broken heart. This soul is fragile.. trying to heal itself day after day… yet never fully successful. For there’s always something in the way.. opening another wound.. leaving another scar. Finding the meaning of love? The point of love? The more I search, the more I’m lost. Who is the one? Where is the one? I can only wonder, with no answers. I put my heart out there on the field, ready and open for any thing to occur, yet in the end I always get more confused. He was never my intention, never a plan, never inside my criteria. But he somehow entered my heart and remains. And he stays for an uncertain length of time.. for as I speak, he is still here.. in my heart… and in my mind.. when I wake up, when I sat in silence, when I talk of love with friends.. when I see something in the newspaper.. and when I go to bed.. he’s in mind.. over and over and over again. Is this love or obsession? Or a symptom of my longing for something certain.. which is probably not him.. yet.. manipulates me into believing that it’s him. I can not figure it out.. But every single day.. I think of him.. wondering what he’s doing.. hoping he’s well.. and expecting for a moment to be with him again.. and paint silly pictures together.. even for a brief moment. Silly. Silly heart of mine. Silly me. Letting my precious time pass away like that.. for I could have make something better of my lifetime, instead of longing for a fog. Every day, every hour, this has to end. He should no longer conquer my mind and my heart. He is just a memory, a sweet bitter memory.. which should only remain as such, not becoming present, now or even in the future. He is a bad medicine, I should not have taken. A sour drink I should not have drunk.. an expensive foolish painting I should not have bought. A worthless past. Only to remain as a past.

I am recharged!! My spirit has gone through tremendous roller coaster, mediocre, up, back mediocre, down to the most downhill level, and recently after spending a week home, well, back to mediocre. I am a borer for anything, and when it comes to where I work, 3 months is tops. Same office, same people to work with, and recently same client, same routine!! I just couldn't stand it! And right now.. not as high spirited as I first came here... a so so mood is the best mood I can hold up at least until now. I wish something interesting could came up. Something more challenging and unusual, yet on the positive side. And I truly wish for a stabile mood that doesn't explode anytime I experience something dissatisfying or someone who I wish I don't have to bump into every now and then. I am a person who very bad at pretending. If I see something I don't like, it's awfully difficult to not show it from my face and from my mouth. Yet, for this kind of job, or any kind, acting professional means staying calm and not emotional when interacting with people you're not keen with. Quite a challenge. If I had to write a letter of apology anytime I crossed with someone, I must have written a whole large book shelf!

The good thing, hopefully I don't have to bump to people I secretly despise for long, because I'm moving to a different client! Yes! Yet there's always a chance that things could only get worse. Anyhow, a change is better than monoteness. In a couple of weeks I'll be flying to the most avoided area in Indonesia for the timebeing:Aceh!! I couldn't imagine how it would be like with all the hassles going on up there, but my firm assured me that we would stay in a safe and guarded area. I wish our trip to get there would be even safer.

I called BC this afternoon to extend the book I borrowed, and Mba Linda took my phone. Sure bring a lot of wonderful memories. I have never worked in such an inspiring place, even that I didn't technical work at all. Being there just makes me a better person already.

All this experience really make me rethink the I way I have seen life up to now. I have spent so many time and yet no answer to be found. This great master plan of His is so far from my comprehension. If only I could understood better maybe I could become a better person. So ironic that I ask this question when I haven't done anything to make me closer to Him. I guess I should remember this question anytime I think about postponing my prayers. All I care about is I am so hurt and violated by things that revolve around me and how it makes me feel so upset that sometimes I think I have the right to act without considerations. The only thing that keeps me going is the faith that my family will always be there for me, and they are the best "friends" I have no matter how unusual they seem to me sometimes. I guess it seems unusual when I am always being so critical, that I lack the feeling of acceptance to how people are. I really need to reform myself....

It's another ordinary day. Last night I had dinner with the guys at GRMS for Angus' Farewell Party. This is one of those events that I'm still trying to get a good catch in. I mean, I think I have no trouble in mingling with the other colleagues in terms of the language. It's the manners that I'm still learning. Not table manners, but how we treat people in discussion, what topics which are appropriate in a company dinner, what are appropriate to joke about and what aren't. I made a tiny mistake by monopolizing Angus in a conversation. I mean, it was so interesting to talk with him, but at the same time, people are waiting for him to take the buffet first since he's the special guest in the occassion, so holding him in a conversation was not a great idea. But no sweat about that. The good thing about last night is I managed to get a bird view on Karl. As I suspected, he was just as nice to look at in close distant. Towards the end of the dinner, he came behind my seat to talk with Angus and when we took a photo, he stood right beside me. Talk about coincidence. Monica was annoyed with the fact that I overvalued Carl as to her opinion he's not any different than any European guys. Hey who cares? I'm not saying he's my future husband or anything. I just like to look at him :p
Anyway, I guess I better get back to work. I'll continue this topic on Karl some time later....

Hey things are turning on the bright side.. I'm busy studying relational database and datawarehouse ultimately surprised with the fact that I'm actually enjoying the process when at uni I had to ge head over heels just to get myself reading 5 pages of relational database theories. What was up with me? Or what is up with me now? Either way, I'm just taking it positively.. Anyway I had to get back with IT stuffs because my upcoming client requires me to get around with those technical stuffs. It's funny how we could love something we hated so much. Was I not motivated enough or am I getting more clever? I still wonder. I think if I had only studied harder the way I do now I could have achieved an outstanding GPA and had grasped a strong concept of basic IT essentials and I won't get any trouble finding a field to work in because I'm good at what I should be good at and I happen to enjoy it. Anyway.. I guess that's just the way things flow for me.. I'm just grateful for everything I have now..

Speaking of grateful.. let me tell you about one of the managers (or directors, I'm not sure) named Carl. He's tall, blond and came all the way from Belgium. Let me say I had never miss a single moment whenever he passes by my office. He is sooo cute, not to mention very well mannered (as all executives should be). Unfortunately he's already married with some one he met in Yogya and had 3 kids with her. People say his wife is small, dark.. and when I asked whether she was beautiful, people would give me the "no comment" gesture. What is it with bule and Indonesian girls? Although, I admit, many bule do get married with beautiful Indonesian women as well. So, if I happen to be married with a bule, should I feel honoured or the opposite?:p Good grief.. There's just not so many interesting specimens to observe here as I'm just not interested with Mongoloid males at the moment.

I think I better get back to work (oops, Carl just came by and I almost get caught in the act of writing about him :p)..

Listeng to Tony Benett's "The Way You Look Tonight" makes you feel like you're sitting at a dinner table with candle lights with the dark color of the sky above you and couples dancing smoothly around you.. and that special mood in the air.. like you never want the night to end... Picture yourself in absolute relaxation and peace..

So apparent to the way my heart actually feels inside. I sometimes feel I'm at a point of going nowhere.. in life, in love, in family.. everything seems to blur as I vision myself a couple of years from now.. Past experiences have drag in me into such numbness. I could appear as to be living out of my wits when in the contrary I'm no where near that situation. I guess this is just a phase where nothing seems to make sense in my life. Am I being ungrateful? For being compared to people living on the streets, being in war and hunger, I am in such a better position. But when you think of it, in terms of feeling of secureness, in a different scale, I am just as worse. How I long for a place to discuss all my unsecureness without having to be judged. Last year was a major roller coaster for me. How I let my self be dragged in many situations where I almost lost myself. How I was so dreamy and ignorant of the pure facts around me that I let me self be in such confusion and tangled in many useless relationships. Does this have anything to do with God? Has I walked to faraway from Him that I have no self mental guards. I don't know.. I just want to take a break from all adventurous, impulsive actions and be in peace..

Find a peace of mind..
that's the only thing I need right now...

Jan 1, 2004

“Happy” New Year
Unbelievable! Just when you think things are already worst, it can get worse than how it already is. A few days ago was my worst new year eve and first day of new year ever!!! I just spend last night watching my friend singing for new year celebration in some café in Kemang, which I thought would be an inviting occasion since I have no specific plans for the new year celebration. We planned on going to Embassy after and hang on since then if we could get a free pass – she knew someone from the ticketing. But not only did we cancel our voyage to Embassy (she wasn’t in the mood since that night she just broke up with her boyfriend, which she eventually got back together with the day after. Old story anyway :p), I have to end up waiting for her for 6 hours of total boredom! No offense, but I think most cafes in Jakarta still poorly select their music. I went there once before, and the music they play for the flooring session is absolutely the same with the ones they played before. House music is just not my thing. Safri Duo is fine, but if you play only one song of them over and over again in different occasions, anyone can get fed up. The band.. well.. I guess I’m not in the mood for Top 40’s last night. I expected something more heavy R&B, more like the ones played in “Last Dance” or “The Last Dance” or what ever the name of the movie was. But I guess for this type of café, they just don’t provide this kind of music.

The thing that I can’t understand more is that most people in the café can even feel so into the music. Is it just a different matter of taste or people are just trying to pretend their having the best of times on new year’s eve? This is a topic I that keeps tackling at the back of my mind while I reluctantly move to the music and watch people move around excitingly around me. Infact, it’s not just about new year’s eve, it’s about every time people go to discotheques and café to “relieve stress” or “party on” or what ever other reason they use to come up with. The worst reason I’ve ever heard is ”get drunk”. Once I saw a woman puke into a basin in the lady’s room after being dragged by her friend since she could hardly stand straight. Urgh, ugly sight! Why would people pay 15 to 500 thousand rupiah to only puke at the toilet? But still, I do respect people who come to cafes and discotheques for their love of music and dancing, including myself. I mean, the only reason I hang out places like those – which I can say very seldom – is because I want to enjoy the music and I love dancing out of my wits. The problem is when you go out and do those things, people always disvalue you and set a dark perspective of you like you’re some kind of a nasty person, especially when you’re a girl. But, why would you go to a place that provides dancing floor and music if you only stay at the sidelines? Just go to a restaurant with fantastic food and play music in the background or in some stage just for people to enjoy the music while they’re eating instead. It makes more sense to me.

I don’t know. I guess, it’s the people in this country who still don’t know how to utilize entertaining spots. They go to because they think it’s cool when western people do that with out really appreciating what’s really provided by those facilities. Shortly stated, it’s only a gimmick. Like a devil’s circle, the people in the entertainment business undervalue the public’s expectation of a good entertaining facility and gives the least – in my perspective- they could offer. Well ofcourse, not all entertaining spots in Indonesia are like that, some others - like Embassy - provide much better services, but you have to pay much much more for it. Understandable. But I think if you want attract more people you have to set a more considerable price. But again it depends of the vision of facility wich results in exclusive types, and pedestrian commercial types. Yet overall, I think the people in the business would have begin by sacrificing on the cost to provide a reliable quality which means less coverage charge but excellent service. In time, as people appreciate entertaining facilities, they could raise the charge gradually. This allows more people to come in their first opening period. I think it’s better than cutting off most people who are potential market in the first charge.

Why am I babbling about the entertainment industry? I was merely trying to say that I had a bad day. Bad days, to be exact. And it’s only the start of the year.Yikes, is it a sign that the rest of the year would pretty much be the same? I hope not. No, I’m optimistic. This is just God’s test for me. Probably it’s not even a test. I am just being extremely sensitive on things for the moment (but I am always critical and sensitive on things anyway :p). I don’t know. I just want to face this year with better strength and strategies. I think I kinda suck on the previous year. Too much playing unadorned. Is it the right word? I don’t know, that’s the only word I can find in the Gramedia dictionary for the Indonesian word “lugu”. Now that I have a better perspective on life, I’m confident I can handle things much better than they way I used to.

OK, enough babbling for the day. Better continue this later…

Nearing the end of the year is the busiest time of all auditors. Especially when most auditors are taking their annual leaves and the rest get assigned with numeruos clients for a short period of time. I have to be greatful I work at IT support because I don't have to put as much work as the auditors, even though technically I am an auditor, an IT auditor. Anyway, any tasks has its bright and dark sides. As people do. I am at the verge of trying to accept difference and things I dislike which I can not change. It's not easy to be so accepting of everything without being "pasrah". But anyhow, that's the challenge. As so my entering S2 next year for a university I don't recommend in the beginning, and taking a degree I have not fully confident about. It is actually a problem to be resolved. Somehow, I have not made up my mind. I guess what will happen depends on the chance offered to me and the circuimstances which will be in place.

Why does making a decision has be so complicated when you have so many exciting choices to pursue? As so for not coming for the second shoot of Loker. When I think of it, it's interesting but I have to skip work and all when I'm trying to build a good image for the company I'm working for. And there's nothing specific I look for in the show anymore. As I have experienced, working as a public figure is not so rewarding, especially in a country where cheesy cheapy TV shows are on air here and there. It's still difficult the build an ideal profile for a TV show when you're bounded with sponsorships and different vision of other parties related to the production.

So.. I'm grasping the way things are right now.. one by one. What will be the outcome I hope is something I will value for the rest of my life. Going home now.. I'm signing off...